Hmmm, April Fool’s Day, and I start a new journal, this one for you. I begin in faith, listening to Sarah Brightman. Ya know, if you’re a girl, you’ll be named after her. Her music touches a place inside Daddy and myself that feels forever, that remembers the magic. We think you were conceived just after her concert.

This past weekend I was in downtown Vancouver with your Auntie Ruth. We were walking toward the Yale, and I was complaining that for some reason I kept getting cramps but no period and it was ticking me off. She laughed and said casually that in her world that meant she was pregnant. We both froze, looked at each other, and immediately tried to find an open store that sold pregnancy tests, but couldn’t. The next morning, as soon as the drug store opened, I ran and bought a kit. It showed positive!!!

I had an appointment with a gynecologist that day as well, and told him I was pregnant. He did a quick pelvic exam (mmmmmmm, pelvic exams…..blaaaaahh) and said that if I were pregnant, I wasn’t far enough along to feel it. So he said he’d do a blood test to tell for sure, but I had to wait a few days for the results. Yeah, RIGHT!! Like I could wait that long!!! So I went right back to the drug store and bought 2 more home tests! The 2nd test was positive as well. Not wanting to get my hopes up too quickly, I did yet a 3rd one, and yes, it was positive as well! But (and I’m sorry if this is TMI), on the 3rd test, the vertical line that showed the positive result began to seep past the line. I kid you not, scout’s honour, the seepage took on the form (at least to my eyes) of half a person waving from behind a wall. I felt like you were laughing and saying “Hi!! Yes, I’m really here!!!!” And yet, I’m nervous about the blood test, the result being negative. But that’s just fear talking, and not always the right voice to listen to, unless you can learn love from it.

I can’t feel you in my belly. You’re too small yet. Little soul, will you feel me as I carry you? We will share a connection unlike anything I’ve experienced so far in life. I can feel the effects of your little body sprouting. My breasts are tender and sore. I love that they are. It means you’re there. Tomorrow I receive the results of the blood test.

Oh little one, I want you so badly. You are sooo going to have the most incredible dad. I have loved him more than half my life. Oh, we have our problems. Every relationship does. What holds us together is a deep, deep love for each other. He’s been a real grounding force, and my greatest teacher, in addition to butterflies. No doubt you will become a bigger teacher for me.

Well, gotta run! Bye Baby!! Momma loves you so much!!!!!

Next - “Yep, you’re there”