Johnjohn, welcome to Friday. I am frustrated today with your lack of solid head control. You seem to tire easily and then your head is floppy. And where your head goes, so does your body.

I am amazed at the lessons your situation offers. I am blown away by the external visual I see of my own spiritual lack. It teaches me that if I don’t have head control in life, I ain’t got  control anywhere! If my thoughts are floppy, the rest of my actions will be floppy, although I have to admit, sometimes floppy is fun.

Oh, sometimes I will seem like I’ve got it, but only momentarily. I don’t sustain it. Watching you is like seeing a picture of my own spiritual ‘delays’. This is just so weird to me, to watch you and feel like I’m seeing myself on a projection screen. It feels like you are here only for me, yet I know others feel like you are here for them. And perhaps also you feel I am here for you. The concept that everyone and everything is a mirror has never hit home so deeply before. And perhaps if you are that, then maybe everyone else is that. With you, it goes beyond perceptions. Yes, I can respond to events and see things as I see them, but with you its deeper than that. It’s like you are an invisible me. Am I an invisible you?

I let you lay on the floor a lot. Are you not stronger because I don’t put you in challenging situations enough? You know you don’t have to if you always get to lay down? That’s like me not having challenges in life. I will stagnate or regress. And may be content to do so. Yet not content, yet not wanting more. Boy, if you want peace, you sure gotta want it, a raging desire for it, as you’ve wanted anything in life. I find I don’t always want it, because of the change in thinking it might require.

I’ve returned from your hearing test. It did not go as I thought it would. You didn’t respond to the audiologists satisfaction, even while you were still so tired. He wants to send you for an ABR test, auditory brain response test. They need to sedate you if you won’t lie still on your own and hook up electrodes to monitor your auditory brain wave activity. The audiologist things your delays are cognitive related.  Delayed or impaired, my son?  I don’t know if I want to do this, although I guess I have to know I did everything I needed to do to offer you the most solid start in life . . .

If I could have a conversation with you, what would I ask you? I’d probably ask things like:

  1. Are cognitive delays a bad thing?
  2. Maybe I need a new way of looking at this?
  3. Maybe you’re a gift?
  4. maybe how you are is the most sane, saner that what we think is sane?
  5. What do you see in the lights?
  6. Are you autistic? I had a vision several years ago, and wonder if this has anything to do with it.

Next:  Turning around