Man, 2009 has been rough. It’s only going to get more so. I feel like life is backing me into a corner. I’m feeling more and more like a prisoner. I have no respite, even in my escapes. The only “escape” that seems to work for me and replenish are those in which no thought takes a foothold in my head. It seems anything that engenders a sense of happiness and joy, anything that gives meaning to the moment, becomes a valley of darkness when it is gone. It’s that inverted valley again, but instead of it being only what it was before, it’s everything that gives me joy, even dancing. It’s because I perceive it as an escape I guess. I suppose I can still have these things, but they’re not enjoyed as an escape, but for just what that moment holds. Even when I try to talk about you as a “teacher” and the “higher” things I try to convince myself of, the truth is, I don’t know that any of that is true, but my mind likes to hear these things so it feels noble. And then I crash. It seems so strange to me that such “noble” ideas could detract from the moment. I don’t know how to describe it. I guess I’m still experiencing some denial. Didn’t know it went this deep. I really want to see things as I try to describe them to others. Maybe it is also just a deeply profound and unfathomable, . . shit. I right-clicked on the word “deep” to check out synonyms, came up with profound and unfathomable, and then promptly forgot what I was going to write. I’d hoped that by the time I’d typed the following words out, the thought would have returned. But alas, no…

Life is bringing me to a place where there is absolutely nowhere to turn but to Itself. I’m scared. I’m afraid of giving in to this, because it feels as if there is a bottomless pit of despair. I’m told to just accept what is, that there is something inside me that isn’t worried about any of it. The truth is, is that when I do accept my angst of the moment, it does seem to end there. I have this idea in my head, from what I’ve been taught all my life, that this is failure, to give into the darkness. My mind recoils at that prospect, like I’d be forever lost in the clutches of Satan and all his demons. But the truth is, is that when I can do this, there is nothing. No torment, no peace, no despair, no joy. It’s quiet and nothing. I don’t feel like smiling, I don’t feel like crying. The words that want to come out are another round of thanks to you for this experience. That wants to come out, but I’m vetoing it at my head. Fuck that, I want to say. Fuck it all. But then there’s that still small voice, I mean its really, really freakin’ small, that’s just there, that quietly and unconcernedly says “thanks”. “I” don’t feel thankful, yet its there. Weird. The story about being careful what to ask for comes to mind, the part where the girl is tired of treading water and feels herself beginning to sink. I’m feeling the terror of that I guess. Can I surrender even more deeply like she did? I’ve been taught that the darkness is my enemy. Could it actually be a friend? I don’t feel as though insanity is waiting on the other side of this door. I know this because I’ve been able to peek through at times and feel nothing, not even numbness. Yet this nothing is very vibrant and very alive, without any ideas or thoughts fettering it. I guess the difference is that I’m not giving into anything, its there already. I’m not opening the doors on any of these dark emotions. They already exist in my life, but I’ve been trying to ignore or “rise above” them. What is it like to truly accept them as they are? I guess I’m gonna find out, because I’ve nowhere else to go. Anywhere I try to go is a dead end road of more despair. Again, as I sit and see what words arise, “thanks” comes again. I’m really tired of everyone trying to help me keep my illusions intact. I understand their intent and am grateful for their assistance. But Beth isn’t the star of the show anymore. She’s stepping quietly into the background. Well, she’s not doing it quietly, she’s kicking up quite a stink. I feel very quiet today. Like I don’t have to be happy. That feels very free, but when I try to explain it to others, I know they are worried. I’m tired of others projecting worry on to me. I sometimes wonder if that affects me. Oh well.

Well, gotta go. It’s bathtime now son. You’re still snotty today. Not as bad as yesterday, but still a runny nose.

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