Well, I’m sitting at the computer very frustrated. You’ve been so pissy with eating this morning. You’ve just gotten over a fever you had in the last 24 hours so I’m grateful for that, but I don’t know John. I’m listening to you in your high chair having a blast with . . .? I come in and try to interact and all I get is your pissy mood. I leave and its all smiles for whoever it is you’re interacting with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful someone can make you smile and laugh. When it’s just not working between us, I’m grateful you can look over to your left and laugh and chat. I don’t feel jealous about it at all.

What I am feeling though is probably exactly what you are feeling in regard to me. Neither one of us understands each other. I’m sure you’re still not feeling up to par after your fever. But you won’t sit in your chair, you won’t lay down, you won’t cuddle. You just cry and hit me. When we’re both dead and can see each other from Truth’s perspective with the veil lifted, I don’t know, will we be happy to see each other or will there be grudges on both our parts? You’ve done wonders for me and I’m grateful, but in this moment, I don’t feel as though I could celebrate anything with you at that point. I feel like all I could muster was a weak smile of thanks, and walk away knowing you no longer needed my care, never wanting to see you again. I’m sure you are just as frustrated with me for not understanding you. How do we come together at moments like this? How do we reconnect? I feel like we’re drifting apart. I guess that’s pretty standard for kids and parents. I just don’t know what to do for you. You are by far the most abusive person I’ve ever been in relationship with. You really are completely selfish and uncaring. I don’t say this in judgment and anger. You don’t and can’t know any better. And most kids are like this. It’s part of the game I guess. But most kids go on to have life experiences that teach them compassion toward others at some point. That’s just not going to happen as far as I can see with you. You are not wired to consider anyone else. It’s not a criticism John. Not at all. It’s just a quiet observation of what is and what will be the rest of our lives together. But you are also so very beautiful. Your smile makes my soul soar. I feel very helpless with you my boy. I just don’t know what to do. You fight everything. Why exactly did you come here? You hate just about everything, except people and tricycles. (well, maybe tricycles today, I just tried putting you in it) You hurt me all the time. I’m not complaining. I just have to live with it. Ya know, we are told to get away from abusive relationships. What about when the abuse is from your child? I know you don’t know what you’re doing and it’s not that in your mind at all. I believe you are really, really, really frustrated with your lack of ability to get yourself around. I guess in my case these are opportunities for grace. I don’t like getting angry about all this. And it makes me want to lash out back at you. I don’t want to do that. Something is bugging you and that’s just the way it is today my boy. Can we help each other? I’m feeling a little whacked out since you’re missing school today and Friday. I really feel lost without those breaks. Oh well, back to the battlefield now I guess. Grace? Where are you grace? I need you today grace. Help me grace! I guess you are hidden with the experience of surrender.. . . . just a moment, . . . ahhh, there you are. Will you carry me today? Again? J

Sometimes grace is a current that I ride through the storm, sometimes it’s a kind word from a friend, and a whole host of other things. I’m grateful for them all. I’ve not been good at giving thanks for the shit lately. I used to do that more often. Need to bone up on that one again.

And later that same day……..ahhhh, now I can give thanks.  Hello Grace!

Next:  Arms of Grace