Deeeeeeep breath……
Man, it’s been a tough few days. I feel like you hate me. I feel like there is something about me that is rubbing you the wrong way. You just bang your head against your chair in frustration. I try everything I know, stopping everything to sit down with you and all you do is bang your head in frustration. Then Daddy comes in the room, or a respite worker, and you totally light up. I’m happy that you do, for it is a beautiful sight and sound. And I don’t take offense at it. I know its nothing personal. What I don’t know is what the problem is.. You bang your head and cry and cry, and ultimately I end up putting you in bed for a bit, so I can keep it together, refresh and get ready to keep an open mind and heart, as I try to resolve the problem if I can. I can feel a sense of failure lurking, rubbing its ugly hands excitedly, thinking ‘Aha! A doorway in!” I don’t feel peace lurking though…….hmmmm……I wonder……is that because its already here? Not lurking, but inside? Because I do feel peace, but it’s a peace that feels like the other is pressuring down on it, trying to shove it out of the way…
Deeeeeeeep breath… You are crying such sad tears from bed, frustrated with me for not knowing what is wrong. It’s very discouraging and heartbreaking. Is this the way it’ll be our whole lives? Deeeeeeeeeep breath……..
I watch you get so frustrated, and completely unable to tell me what the problem is, and I think about the things that frustrate me, and they seem minor in comparison…. Ok my love, let’s try again….Here I come…