Sooo… poop up my nose…’s a beautiful thing. I wiped my nose after changing your poopy diaper, and much to my surprise……I had a good laugh about that one!!

Dearest Johnny, what are you thinking when you stare out the window? Are you looking at the shape of the trees against the sky? I look forward to the day when you can tell me. Maybe we can sit and stare together….

A beautiful thing occurred the other night. I gave you your bottle and sang “You are so beautiful..” and little twinkle lights glowed between us. As long as I sang and loved you, they twinkled. But if I tried to focus on them, they went away. It was like seeing them without looking at them. I called them our little love lights. I believe they are always there, but the love I felt in that moment enabled me to see them. It was an incredibly precious moment…

Well, all your blood and urine tests are normal. And apparently, so are your eyes at this time. Now its CT scan time, and visits with a neurologist. Your Grandma Roadknight is coming out to see us soon, so she can be here for these upcoming appointments. And we’ll celebrate your’s and daddy’s birthdays, as well as Christmas, while she’s here. Her love, her generosity and kindness have touched me very, very deeply. She wants to be there for you, and for us. She says she feels a connection to you unlike anything she’s ever experienced before. I’m really grateful she’s coming. I must confess, I’m more anxious than I realized about this CT scan. It will be wonderful to know one way or the other what we’re dealing with. Of course, it may not answer any questions either. I love you so much John, and don’t care what the answer is. As you are is how I wish you. You are precious to me, and I lovey love you soooo much!! But I’m still nervous. I’m afraid of losing you. I’m having some crazy thoughts and fears. I don’t want them, but they’re there. I can’t be in denial of them, but I can surrender them. I trust the perfect workings of the Universe, aka the will of God. All will unfold as it must. I’m learning that many thoughts come my way that I really don’t wish to dwell on. But fighting them only makes them stronger. Facing them seems to help me rise above them, and riding on the eagle wings of surrender, and I just float on by…..sometimes…..and sometimes I fall off and go splat too.

Next:  CT scan