Still angry. Very angry. I want to scream from the top of the mountain at you John. I’m angry at you. I’m just very angry at you. But that’s just my ego talking. It’s angry because it can’t have what it wants. The soul speaks very differently. I’m not sure what to do about this anger. Forgive it, is the idea that comes. Forgive myself, forgive you, although there is nothing to forgive you for. I’m tired of lugging you around. I’m tired of your colicky episodes every.single.f-ing night, all f-ing.night.long. When I wake up at night, my ego gets angry at the intrusion. The soul sits patiently by, waiting for me to choose its thoughts instead. When I do, I go back to sleep easier. When I don’t, I lay awake seething.

I don’t like being angry. I don’t like harboring resentment. I haven’t been able to side with the Holy Spirit much these days. I’m feeling hard done by. I don’t want to help anyone with anything anymore. I used to love that, now I hate it. You squeeze every last drop of umption in my gumption and I feel like there’s no more to give. I’ve never known anger like this. And God has sure gotten the mother load from me!!

Yet in spite of all that, a wonderful thing that happened today was bike riding with you in the bike trailer. That was awesome. You really seemed to enjoy it. Daddy put your old car seat in it and secured it into place. You do enjoy car seats and you seemed very comfortable in this. I can’t wait for your new stroller. I hope and pray that you will find it as comfortable as the car seat. It will have the same 5 pt harness that you seem to do well with in seating. I sure hope insurance will pay for it. And the bed. Altho I’m not in as much a rush for that. You get a lot of play time in your crib. You grab at the slats and experiment with different movements in it. I’m not getting rid of it when the new bed comes. You’re going to get the bigger room for a time and I’ll have both beds in it.

Another wonderful thing is that you are so comfortable in your walker now that you will tolerate it outside. Yay!

I’m thinking of getting rid of your rocking horse. I can’t see you ever using it, yet I keep it around with the hopes that you will. Maybe I’ll give it to daddy’s nephew, for his daughter. I was so looking forward to watching you ride it. Getting rid of it is like letting go of the dream a bit more. It sitting there is a grim reminder of what you cannot do and may never do. It’s like someone died, and I’m holding on to their things because I’m not ready to let go of them yet. But what has died is a dream. No, I’ve just decided as I’m sitting here looking at it, that I’m going to put you on it anyway. There’s no reason not to. You’re going to be too big for it soon. I suppose a lot of things I think can’t happen actually can. They’ll happen just differently. And that is where the ego puts up its fight. It wants things its way. Soul doesn’t. Soul flows.

I’m tired of people thinking this is a bad thing. That of course is a projection of my own thoughts that this is a bad thing. I don’t want to think like that and I don’t want others thinking that too.

I’m dying John. I’m fizzling out. But what I mean when I say that is not that my body is giving out. My personal agenda is. The white flag is beginning to look like the way out. I love this ride and I hate this ride, and I am the ride. I hate it because I feel chained and locked down. I’m not though. And even if I were, there is happiness and peace to be found in it. Thank you John for being my murderer. You are like Manjushri swinging his sword and hacking away all my ideas, about everything. You are like Ganesh in that you are a remover of obstacles that block truth in my life. May I accept with grace what is going on here and make way for truth to reside as the modus operandi of my life.

Well, enough rambling. Bye for now son. I suppose that no matter what life were like with you, I’d be resenting anything that disrupted my way. Thanks again for being in my life and being just who and what you are. You are a gift above all else. I love you John.

Ya know John, the longer I’m on this journey, the more I object internally to people asking or talking about what’s “wrong” with you. I told the genetics doctor today that I felt you had a case of extreme non-conformitosis. He laughingly agreed. Isn’t that in a way what is “wrong” with those who do not or cannot live life the way we are expected to? I wrote to someone once and said to them that I thought that people who came into this world with what we perceive as a disability are perhaps not so disabled as one might think, if viewed from a different vantage point. What is disability? It appears that it partly is the lack of will or physical ability to fend for oneself and contribute physically and economically to our society, requiring others to fend for them instead. Perhaps the physical “disability” is really just the manifestation of one’s deep and abiding connection to truth, so much so that they just can’t do this life the way we think it should be done, can’t participate to the degree that most of us do in the illusion. So they are born into to this life under the terms that they maintain their connection to what is real in varying degrees. They are so deeply connected that they are in this world yet not of it to a depth of incredible proportions. Maybe what we perceive as a disability in them is really just a projection of our own spiritual disability. I don’t know. I could never prove this. And I could be entirely wayyyyyy off base as it’s still just mind and doesn’t matter anyway cuz I’m just blowing sunshine up my ass. But I sure like the thought, even though its just a thought.

Maybe you are a teacher of a different ilk. You are certainly teaching me the intangibles like no one else ever has. I get really angry and frustrated at times, really angry and frustrated, especially just before my period. *whew*

This experience of you is really introducing me to some deep dark parts of myself that I am not proud of to say the least. The experience of you is reaching deep into all the hiding places of darkness in my life and shining the light into them instead. It’s not fun. And yet is, when I understand what’s actually happening. It is total devastation, complete ruin, dynamite to the egoic way. Your presence is very inconvenient to my ego. I cannot control this situation. I cannot manipulate anything to make you achieve my intended outcome in my timing, if even at all. Your presence demands my complete attention on something other than myself and I don’t like it, no I don’t.

Yet in the context of truth, it’s irrelevant. You and I are the One, one in the same, as with everything and everyone else. I’m just looking after a different part of the same body, one hand tending the other or something silly like that. The experience of you demands that I shut up finally and listen for once, really listen, with my heart, with one-nity and connection. I can’t stay angry when I realize who we are.

But even knowing this doesn’t mean I don’t give in to anger at times. Sometimes I get angry because I do know better and I wish I didn’t so I could just have a good “mad”! :) In the end that doesn’t really matter anyway I guess. Thanks for helping me meet the Truth. I realize now that the jargon I’ve heard all my life about putting others before yourself, forgetting yourself, all that stuff, actually has some truth in it. When you come from a different vantage point you realize that there is no separate identity of you and others at our cores. Killing the self is just relinquishing the illusion of that belief. Doing for others is doing for the One.  “Do unto others as you would  do to yourself” because it IS yourself! :)

I’ll never lay claim to being able to accomplish this all the time, but I’m getting a bit better at it all the time. Actually, all I’m getting better at is surrendering. That’s all. I no longer view the world through the eyes of separation and untruth. Well, I still do, but no longer buy into its reality like I did.

Anyway John, I don’t know anything anyway. Please help me to listen to you with my heart, and if there is anything I’m supposed to teach you, guide me. I’m at a loss in this whole adventure. I’ve never realized how strongly I’ve been holding the reins in my life. You are totally derailing me. And I thank you. I read something from one of Adya’s books “My secret is silence”. As I read the words, an image came to mind of the inner you reading them to me. They were:

“. . . . This is a results game. It’s about as much fun as you can have being burned at the stake. I am here to take away your illusions–your illusions of control, of freedom, of self. You think you have control, but you don’t. You think you have freedom, but you don’t. You think you have a self, but you don’t. I’m not one of those spiritual comfy guys. I’m one of those spiritual alarm clocks.” Pg45.

How many times can I hit the snooze button? No? Uncle…...

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