Tomorrow a nurse is coming to assess your eligibility for the At-home program offered by our government. It covers medical equipment and respite care.

Today I looked down a road. I looked down the road of a lifetime of disability, of wheelchairs and lifts. Hanging in the wings of this corridor were Self-Pity and Fear waiting for me to take their hands and allow them to guide the vision. I walked past them today.

Shit happens, Johnjohn, shit happens. It serves no purpose to wallow. In fact, “to make a garden grow, in it shit must go”. What I read into that statement is that what seems to be a stinking rotten experience in life, is actually food and nourishment to fertilize the soil for a soul’s growth. The shit that happens allows me to look past this life, helps me to remember what is real and not real, that which is passing vs that which is eternal.

I’ve heard people ask why bad things happen. I wonder if one reason is so that we can’t remain rooted and connected to things that will pass away, and look to our hearts for something more meaningful. And as I write all this, I wonder if you’ll ever read it, or ever comprehend it.

Things are coming undone inside me John. Deep patterns of thinking, deep subconscious expectations are being brought to the surface. I want to see this as a blessing, to have you in my life. But I know nothing of this world I find myself in. I can’t apply any of my past to it. Everything I’ve learned til now has no relation to this, other than perhaps reading and writing, she says with a weak smile. It’s new and scary to me. It feels like I’m being held aloft by a jet stream of air blowing up at me, bouncing me around with its current (maybe like that indoor parachuting?). Sometimes a limb catches an edge and shoots wildly out, and it feels like I’ll be swept away out of control and fall to the ground… As long as I remain still in my mind, and don’t try to “correct” or “resist” these unexpected currents, I remain afloat on this powerful flow. But I still feel like things are coming undone inside me Johnjohn, although I don’t feel overwhelmed by fear. At least in this moment. It’s kind of like I imagine a caterpillar might feel, inside its cocoon, watching its body disappear. I’m watching and experiencing a paradigm shift as my body of thoughts and ideas shift and dissipate. Yet there is a calm, as the butterfly is standing by, knowing that it’s okay. Well,..enough rambling son…..

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