Oct 2005 - Blood tests, knowing, perseverance and gratitude
Well, we went to see the pediatrician. We have to do blood and urine testing to start. The doctor is concerned about the increased muscle tone in your arms, something indicative of muscle disorders or muscle damage, something like Cerebral Palsy. He feels you are showing minor symptoms. He’s not saying at this point that this is what it is, but if it is, we’ll have to see a neurologist. He held you for a while to see your responses, to see if you exhibited movements indicative of a child with CP. You apparently didn’t display any of them, and he felt you responded like a typical 6 month old. Hmmm….
Boy, sometimes you can sure zone! I stand and dance like a nutbar in front of you, and you just stare out the window, seemingly ignoring me. You seem to have great focusing ability, and are not easily distracted from what you’re interested in in that moment.
I sure feel pressure from the parents (mine and daddy’s) about your “slower” development. It frustrates me and I just want to tell them to leave us alone, although I know they are just concerned and trying to help. You are strong and healthy, amazingly healthy. I don’t want your baby stage to be pressured by what others think you should be doing by this point. Trying to make you, or guide you into that seems to traumatize you. But there are certainly things I’m wondering about though, the lack of strength in your shoulders, why your head still flops back, and your vision. Your vision is a real conundrum to me. Nana and I both agree that you see things differently than us. GG thinks you look so knowing, that you have such a knowing look…..And another woman remarked the other day how you just stared into her eyes, like you were looking deep into her soul….I feel the same way as them. You do have a knowing look, and when we lock gazes, I feel the same way, like you are searching out the core of me…
Our Infant Development Worker came by the other day. You mainly just stared outside, or at me, or at the kitchen light. She had a lot of info, and boy, I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of information that I just don’t know what to do with. You were also fairly tired, ready for a nap, so not much happened, nor did you show any interest in anything. If only I could take your mouth and place it out of your reach. Maybe you’d go after that….
There’s not a lot to say about you and what you’re doing, so I guess I have to document my own journey. I’m really having to learn a greater degree of patience. I like results. Most things I will try and lose interest in quickly, or if they don’t have the immediate results I want, I don’t push on with it.
But then here’s you…I have to persevere. I have to be bothered. I have to deal with it. I have to be patient or go insane. I have to remain in this day only, or live in fear of the unknown. I can’t think about the future. Too many unknowns. I get excited about getting to know you, interact more (at my level, where and what and how I want) but I must not miss the wonder that is now, by pining for what isn’t. I have to accept what is. Not going so well though. I have to surrender to you, to God, to what is. I’m not as good with surrender as I thought. Or perhaps I have been, but life has just turned things up a notch, added another few pounds of weight to further build the spiritual muscle. You’re a mystery to me little Johnjohn, one I both desire to unravel and at the same time resent unraveling.
Yesterday I began the process of giving thanks for this experience. I have learned to do that in some real pits. And here we go again. You are who you are, I am who I am. I don’t know what your journey holds, but I’m so grateful for the part you are playing in mine. Maybe I should call you Johnny Dao. I love you, my son. Thank you for coming into my life and being just who you are. I am grateful for the new dimension you have added to my life. I am appreciative of your presence and how it pushes me beyond the limits I’ve imposed upon myself. And ever so grateful for your happy personality. You give me a reason to reach out of my own shell, motivation to step past my walls. And joy of joys, it spills out into other areas of my life. Thank you for your slower development. Hmm, was that ‘sledgehammer’ experience of my labour with you at birth a sign of things to come?
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