Dearest Johnjohn, you are almost 18 months old now. You are moving a lot more, a real wiggly bear you are. But it makes holding you really tough at times, especially in a store, when you are craning yourself backward to stare up at all the lights. You seem to have such strength, but no prolonged balance. At times it’s kind of like you don’t realize you have a body at times, like you haven’t fully engaged it or something. You are making many vocal sounds these days. You still do not sit for very long. When you feel strong, you fling back and when you are tired, you fall to the side. Your arms seem strong, but you will not (cannot?) use them to support yourself, at least on your tummy. You certainly use them more to propel yourself around my chest when I’m holding you though.

It’s hard to continue hoping. It’s hard to not see you running, playing, doing all the things kids do. I have had a couple of dreams when you are running around, and I treasure them. You still show little interest in toys with the exception of one or two. You do like to scootch around the floor and crib on your back, and occasionally, you will roll over. Great Grandma really wants to see you mobile before she dies, and I sometimes wonder if that’s why she’s hanging on at this point, for she has admitted to me that she is ready to die. Yet she doesn’t. She lives another day.

You are an exercise in faith and hope for me, and oh yes, surrender. I am totally committed to you and helping you have the best life ever. Sometimes I think that when you are a bit more aware of things, perhaps when you’re just a bit older, you’ll figure things out. I love you so much, precious Johnjohn.

Sometimes I wish I could move away and only focus on you instead of having my energy split in so many ways. But perhaps these other diversions are a godsend, to keep me from going too nuts through this process. What is making me nuts? The seeming lack of progress, the lonnnnnng and drawn out process of your development, like watching a tree grow. So, I try to fill your mind with things important to me, wondering if they’ll be important to you.

I think the most difficult aspect of this, so far, is adapting to your speed. I’m sure, that if you ever do become mobile, you’ll be off and running at breakneck speed to make up for lost time, haha. Or perhaps not. It’s hard to know what to say John. It’s hard to know what to tell you, except that I love you and care for you so much. I love you just the way you are, even though it’s not what I expected. Pressing forward in faith, I know its even better than I could dare to dream.

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