Hello, my sunny little guy. Today Nana and I went thrift store shopping. You tolerated it very well today. Usually you just scream. It was a bit of a tough week though. I got an invitation to participate in a research study for kids with developmental delays or mental retardation for no apparent reason. The blood requisition forms stated the latter. Seeing that in print really caught me off guard. Not that I don’t think about it, but its never been spoken verbally by any of the medical professionals, and boom! This arrives. Outwardly, your development certainly isn’t typical. When I look into your eyes though, I don’t see mental retardation. (or at least what my perception defines as such, and as I think about it now, what does that mean anyway). I see depth, profound depth. Maybe I don’t want to accept that you’ll be 6 months old forever. I laugh sarcastically when I recall that song “Forever Young” that I recorded the lyrics to while I was pregnant. Irony has a strange sense of humour. Maybe you will be, maybe you won’t.

Tonight when we had your late night feed, you stared up into my eyes with such focus and ….. and what? Interest? Awareness? I’m not sure at this point. I only know that I love giving you a bottle in the middle of the night. I love the eye exchanges. I love how you look at me when there’s no other distractions, as during the day. You still love the kitchen light and staring up at the day sky from the family room. No matter where or how I position you in there, you always end up by the window staring out and up. And today in your jumper, you actually reached out for the sunflower hanging beside you. You are so beautiful to me. I wish you fit into the exercize saucers now. I think you’d enjoy it now. But you are wayyy too big for them.

Next:  A Deeper Surrender