You’re sure getting long. I’ve started going to the chiropractor (can’t believe that after all my resistance to it, lol) and today I took you with me. He asked if you were about 4. I laughed and said no, he’s 2 ½. He was shocked. And I told him that’s why I was here. You’re breakin’ me kid.

Oh Johnjohn, I don’t know why I bother leaving a journal sometimes. I was doing this for you, but now I don’t know…

If you can ever read this, please understand that I don’t want anything to happen to you. I love you in my life as you are, even though sometimes I wish things were different. If given the opportunity to wave a magic wand and change anything, I wouldn’t change anything, for I’d be acting on my own will and not God’s. Although, honestly speaking, I might make you walk. But maybe that would backfire on me. Maybe that would open doors that I wish had never been opened either. That’s why I leave this in God’s hands.

I watch you play with the green plastic sticky mooey toy and watch you gently grasp it. Your grasping is becoming ever more deliberate. I watch you almost twirl it, opening your raised hand in the air, the baton like thing staying there and you grasping it again and smashing it down with glee on the high chair tray. I used to think it was a fluke that it stayed in your hand but lately I’m not so sure. You are making sounds like “gooeywawa gurblommama” and fun things like that.

Let me tell you some things I did the other day. I took Bailey for a walk to Campbell Valley. I hope we can go there sometime and you actually be happy there. It was hushed in there, so full of life from all the rain. It smelled divine. I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I danced with the leaves. It’s just a hand dance. I can feel the energy? electromagnetic field? I can only describe it as spicy. Anyway, with a light enough leaf, I can make it move without touching it. I’m sure anyone can do that. But I haven’t done that since I moved back here I don’t think. At least not for a while. I love it that we touch beyond what my eyes see.

And today I took Nana some roses and the store gave me 2 lavender colored ones that have the most gorgeous scent. I took a huge sniff and all of me stood on end, my body tingling like crazy. It was like truth meeting itself in another form and joining itself in the beauty of that moment. I put the roses to your nose. You initially opened your mouth as if to eat them, and then smiled. I couldn’t tell though whether or not you were smiling at the scent or just at me like you always do.

Well, gotta go. I love you John, just as you are, even though I get overwhelmed with things. Please don’t ever feel that I don’t love you even when at times I feel like I want to throw in the towel. I do love you deeply. I hope you love me too.

Next:  a last laugh