A tough couple of days. I’ve been very angry. I was listening to Seal in the truck this am and the phrase “you’re the light on the dark side of me” stuck out from the song ‘Kiss from a Rose’. A picture of a flashlight with your face as the light came to mind. Your presence is certainly stirring up a lot of crap in myself.

I was listening to Adya last night about wanting. He said that when we get what we want, we mistakenly think that it is because we got what we wanted that we are happy for that millisecond or more. That’s the clever cover up he said. The reason we are happy he says, is because, for that millisecond or more, one does not want.

A lot of my anger is directed toward your slow progress, mentally and physically. You were really chomping down on my finger with your teeth, REALLY hard! Man did it hurt. I got so mad and gave you a swat on the bum really hard. I don’t like to admit that but I’d be lying if I gave the impression I held it together. I didn’t.

John, I feel like I’m walking through that really thick and really sticky quicksand again, wherein I have the choice to sink or stay afloat. Right now I feel like I’m up to my chin. But I come back to this flashlight metaphor. There is such a strange set of emotions going on. There is love, hate, joy, anger, all sorts of opposites, the negative ones leaping forward at the smallest provocation from either you or someone else completely unrelated to the situation.

I’m tired of surrendering. Life is a moment by moment surrender. Truly the least tiring way to handle a situation is to surrender, yet I resist and don’t want to ALL THE FREAKIN’ TIME! I want things to go my way sometimes. I want to envision life with you through my own lens of perception.

Ya know, when I thought about having a child, I always wanted one who’d be different than the norm. While this situation may not be what I had actually envisioned, I guess I got what I wanted. :P  It makes me scared to want anything anymore. Because of the flaws in my limited perceptions, what else might I wish for that will not be exactly as I’d envisioned? It feels scary not to want anything. I want to want something, I want to hope. I say ‘thy will be done’ to the Divine, but it is with clenched teeth and filled with deep resentment. But something deeper within seems to know it’s the only way to deal with this, to keep it together mentally and physically. It’s not even that I really want it, but I know it works.

I used to have peace with this but that light of peace has disappeared behind a cloud of frustration. I know its still there, waiting to dissipate the clouds of my own creation, but I seem reluctant to allow it. Perhaps because I feel like I’m controlling something, no matter how toxic it is compared to truth. But your presence is that beam of light from God that offers me the greatest gift if I choose it (said with those clenched teeth again, and much sarcasm). But I accept that as truth, regardless of my emotions concerning it. I know the emotions will eventually sort themselves out as I keep surrendering them to Truth. Your light is shining into all the dark corners I’ve been sweeping the dirt of my mind into, that which I wasn’t ready to face. You’re doing a real micro cleanse here. At least, that is the chance I have if I choose it. I love you and I hate you sometimes. But thanks John. I like the flashlight picture. It helps me see you as the Light of God. Perhaps one day I’ll put all the faces of all those I meet on that same flashlight. For now, its just you and that’s enough.

Next:  Sleeplessness and Sisyphus