Hah!! I’m laughing because of the verse on this page of the journal: “I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths” – Proverbs 4:11. I certainly did not allow myself to be guided with wisdom last night. Oh, it was there, and I chose to completely ignore it. You’ve been up most of the night several times recently, and mom’s not very gracious about that too often. Sometimes, but not always. If you ever have memories of mom REALLY cheesed, its probably because you’re not sleeping at night. In the mornings, I can sometimes reflect wisely upon the experience and pledge to do better, but more often than not, I don’t. I can be a real bitch at times. Sorry John, but momma’s got a lot longer way to go on that one than she realized.

Our lives together remind me of the story of Sisyphus, the man who kept pushing the rock up the hill over and over and over. I wonder, will I ever find my joy in being woken up at all hours of the night? If that were asked to my B-family siblings, they’d roll their eyes and reminisce of the angry dinosaur that I have been when anyone made a peep past 10:00pm. :) I believe one day I will be able to respond in love one day.

This journey with you is very interesting, and I wish I had a partner who could share it like I do. But I don’t. I get tired of that, sooooo tired. Sometimes in my frustration I think I’d do better alone, but that is shortsighted and an outcome of anger, and therefore not to be trusted. I suppose one of the joys of this, if I could really grasp at a straw, at least at this phase, is that in going back into the darkness, I get to re-open the door to the light of truth, and have the “ahhhhh…” experience. Pitiful, eh?

I’ve just re-read the verses on the 3 pages I’ve written. I love them. I love them more than I ever have. “Enjoy serving the Lord, and he will give you what you want” (Psalm 37:4). If I truly truly truly truly enjoy serving the Lord, of course I get what I want, because it is what he wants, haha. And “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you” (James 4:8). That one is making me smile. Of course God draws near as I draw near. God has never gone anywhere, but I have, in my heart, thoughts and attention.

I wrote something a while ago, long before you were born. “God exhales, and I live, preparing for death. God inhales, and I die, prepared for life”. I thought I understood that before. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH….ad infinitum…

I get it a little more than I did before….

Well, gotta go again. Sorry again about last night JJ. I’ll do better tomorrow. I love the quote that says to the effect, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it is the small quiet [perhaps humbled] voice that says ‘I’ll do better next time.’”

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