I’m not having a good day today. I don’t want this John, I don’t want this. I wish you would just get your act together. I’m tired of actively pursuing things on your behalf. I feel like I’m walking through a dredge of sticky goo with sink spots in places you don’t anticipate. They want to do another eeg, sedated this time. I’m tired of shutting you down. And of course the mri at age 2. Another anesthetic. You’ve been through a lot at your early age.

I’m tired. So very, very tired.

I’m frustrated, so very, very frustrated.

Daddy didn’t rinse something out properly before he put it in the dishwasher today and as a result, cherry pits were stuck in places they shouldn’t be. I was so angry and wanted to wring his neck. I wanted to run away and never come back. It’s not about daddy though. It’s about your delays. Things I’m reading lately that affirm my thoughts that this is a mirror about myself, something within that is causing my frustration. I choose my responses to circumstances and if I choose negatively, perhaps just in reaction mode, I always can re-choose differently. I guess I don’t want to re-choose right now. I want life to change to suit me, not me change to suit life. I want you to ‘get it’. I want you to meet me at my level, not me always having to meet you at yours. You seem to want to get a move on, but can’t. You are very frustrated with your walker. At times I want to just leave you in it and walk away, leaving you to figure it out for yourself. I wonder if our helping Spirits feel that way at times? I feel sometimes that you just want everyone else to do it for you. Boy, that’s not unlike me at times. “Just make it happen, would ya? Don’t make me have to make the effort”. There we go again with that damn mirror, your physical delays reminding me of my own spiritual delays, as if your physical disability is a mirror of my own spiritual disability. *%&#)Y!! :)

I’ve been reading through the binder IDP provided and it makes me sick to my stomach. It’s a world I do not wish to enter. People in my CIM group would suggest otherwise, that somewhere along the way I did choose this. I believe that, but in this moment, I want to slap them silly and tell them to F-off! If you are ever able to read or comprehend any of this, please don’t take any of it personally. I need to vent. It’s hard doing this with your dad. He retreats into his coping mechanisms. So I retreat into mine. I do not turn to him for comfort. I love going to my folks, to nana and grandpa’s. They are so positive and loving and nurturing and supporting and happy. It’s like an emotional and mental vacation to be in their home. I always feel refreshed inside. I don’t always have to duck the fireballs of negativity coming from your dad. I can just relax. The fear of wondering how your father is can be very draining to me. Sometimes I just need to get out of the house, as if there is an oppressive energy in it. I love our home, but it is no sanctuary for me. I know I don’t have to be fearful of your dad’s feelings. But its very hard for me to have his silence and retreat when I need someone to make games out of it, to play in this situation, to make jokes and laugh about it all, someone who will sit down and actively read any literature provided to me and offer insights and helpful assistance instead of expecting that I will do it and then figure it all out. I can do that, but I have this stupid fear of your dad, a fear of doing the wrong thing and then having to justify it to him. I resent that I have to do all the legwork. If it could be something that we could sit down together and do, and make the best of, boy would it be different. Or would it be? I’d still have myself to live with and all my foibles. And now you’re crying. Time to eat I guess. Bye for now.

Back again. So, now that the crap is out of the way, and revisiting the previous mirror concept about what I’m really upset with myself about, I’d have to say that I hate it when I am afraid of another’s reaction. I hate it that my peace of mind is dependent on another’s state. I don’t want to be controlled by my perceptions of what I think daddy may or may not be feeling. I want to be happy and free inside, regardless of what is going on around me, or within another human being. This is within my power to do so. But I must exercise the choice. I must make the effort and sometimes, I don’t want to. Right now I’m resisting life as it is, wanting it to conform to my perceptions of what I think would make me happy. But life has a way of offering us opportunities to conform to the reality of what truly makes one happy. To my limited thinking, ‘I don’t wike it’. To a surrendered ego mindframe, I know it’s headed in a good direction. And as I said before, I don’t want to take the steps to finding happiness within, I want it to come to me. I don’t want to remove my internal emotional and mental barriers that hide what is already there. I want them to come down on their own, without my assistance in any way. For your sake and development, I must let those barriers go. This venting is good, it gets rid of the crap instead of letting it stockpile. And in regard to daddy, I know I just need to tell him what I need and not expect him to read my mind. I need to start insisting on some things. He came to music therapy yesterday and really enjoyed it. I’ve discussed the osteopath also with him and he’s open to it. Again, all my frustrations with this are my own. Daddy is who he is. He’s a good and kind and loving man, even if he’s like Fred Flintstone at times. :)

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